THE COMEBACK:
YOU NEED TO BE MORE FLEXIBLE.
YOUR FLEXIBILITY AMAZES ME. HOW DO YOU GET YOUR FOOT IN YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR HEAD UP YOUR ASS AT THE SAME TIME?
THE MESSAGE:
TONY TODAY
I PRESENT AN ACTUAL LETTER RECEIVED BY THE UK PASSPORT OFFICE IN LESS DANGEROUS TIMES WHEN PATIENCE WAS LESS REQUIRED AS A VIRTUE.
Dear Sirs, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house; then you ask me for my bloody address!!!! What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for god’s sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last bloody people I'd want to tell!! Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get yet another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile? (Bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off! Signed An Irate Subject,
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ............ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. ......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN SODDING PAKISTAN has been in the U.K. for just six months and can hardly express himself in English!
ANOTHER OBIT
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,
who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn’t always fair;
- Do unto others as you would have done unto you; and
- Maybe it was my fault after all. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly with the government's ill-advised pursuit of green energy ideology. He was sick to his stomach when he heard about the government’s insistence on replacing inexpensive, reliable energy sources with expensive unreliable “green” sources.
Reports were issued of the Ontario government paying 40 TIMES the market rate for solar generated electricity and 6 TIMES the rate for wind generated electricity. He developed a terrible migraine headache when he realized that the public and industry have yet to realize the ramifications of this policy on their bottom line.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to figure out that a steaming cup of coffee could be hot. She spilled a little in her lap
and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was predeceased by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his loving wife, Discretion, by his spinster daughter, Responsibility, and by his sons, Reason and Respect.
He is survived by his 4 step brothers I Know My Rights,
I Want It Now,
Someone Else is to Blame and
I’m a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
RECENT LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Why is it when someone dies they are spoken of highly, despite their shortcomings in life? Of Lord Jenkins it was said: “He was one of the most remarkable people to grace British politics … He had intellect, vision and integrity.” The fact is he was a turncoat, an intellectual snob and partly responsible for Thatcherism.
A GOOD JOKE FOR THE AGES errrr AGED.
Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80-year-old said: “The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again.”
The 85-year-old said: “The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it’s still a problem.”
Then the 90-year-old said: “That’s not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.”
REALITY TODAY ( not funny ha ha but funny ridiculous!)
The defence for the van killer in Toronto trying to prove him ’not guilty’, on the grounds that he did not realize that what he was doing was wrong because of his affliction with autism. He killed 10 and attempted to kill 16 more.
THE MUSIC:
Who wants to live forever- Queen
INTERESTING STUFF:
People who are currently alive represent about 7 percent of the total number of people who have ever lived.
THE PUN:
TRUMP IS LIKE A SLICE OF STALE BREAD. HE IS BETTER SEEN AS TOAST!
If you went shopping for a dead battery, would it be free of charge?
THE LEMON:
THE QUOTE:
"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."-Babe Ruth
THE CLIP:
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