SATIRE IN THE HIGHEST: BLOG # 2143 FRI JUN-29, 2018

THE MESSAGE:

I grew up amongst a group of lads who were quite accustomed to using sarcasm as an acceptable form of friendship and humour. My wife views my sarcasm as 'MEAN' and fails to see any humour in it whatsoever. However, all the years of using it as repartee' make it extremely difficult for me to avoid.

IF YOU LAGHED AT THIS,
YOU'RE A REDNECK!

  

Oscar Wilde said, “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit… but the highest form of intelligence.” Some choose to leave out the last part of his quote but "not I sir". Therefore, I would humbly present the following: "Topical sarcasm, in perhaps not such a high place."

People like to fit in, to feel that they belong. So if you happen to be a visitor to the beautiful province of Ontario here are a few driving tips that will make you appear to be a resident.

THE BLURB:

ON DRIVERS AND DRIVING HABITS

• Do not use your turn indicator. It’s darn hard work and your unannounced moves will keep other drivers on their toes. 
• Pay close attention to roadside signs.
  

• When turning left do not proceed to the middle of the intersection as this may allow another driver to complete his left turn when the light finally changes. 
• Do text while driving. It’s important to let the person you’re texting know that you’ll be there in four minutes. And again your lack of driving focus will keep those other pesky drivers sharp.
  
   
• When turning left be sure to pull into the far right lane immediately. Frequently those drivers who are in that lane need to be cut off so as to prevent their speeding. And remember wide sweeping turns use more of the road for which Ontarians helped to pay.
  
• After you have completed a turn or a lane change switch on your turn signal. It’s important that other drivers be aware of what you have just done.  

• Focus on interaction with your passenger. Personal relationships are important and you probably don’t even know the driver behind you.
  
   
• Tailgate. This will keep traffic flowing and, again, will keep the driver in front on her toes. 
  

• Most importantly, if driving on a four-lane highway, get into the left lane and drive at (or slower than) the posted speed limit. Stay in this lane. If people wish to pass, let them do so on your right. It’s the Ontario way!

ON LIBERAL LEANINGS

• Pay close attention to the Liberal ads regarding "the real Doug Ford" and forget all of the McGuinty 'boondoggles of the past.
• Remember, a Liberal government is a sound government. Wait; what was that sound? Was it the sound of someone breaking wind?
• Remember Liberals are thinking of your children's future; therefore, if your hydro bill is too high don't worry, the kids will pay for it.
• Civil servants are Liberal darlings and you can count on them accepting lower wages.
• Liberals have an easy answer to the question "when will they ever learn?"  ...NEVER.
• How many wind turbines does it take to sell cheap Ontario Hydro to Quebec?

ON PEDESTRIANS

• Why do drivers like a forceful rain? It keeps the pedestrians indoors.
• Be sure to turn up the volume on your device when crossing at an intersection.
  
• Don't walk briskly, when time is running out, you could trip and fall.
• Ignore the timer it only takes 2 seconds to cross.
  
• If you are 20 meters away and the orange hand changes, run like hell to get there in time. 
• Crossing at an intersection is a good time to text a friend. 
  

ON THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY 

       

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 

I went into a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" She asked, "if I tell you, would it not defeat the purpose? 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 

One nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

ON WIND ENERGY 

Damn the costs we need wind power to be a world leader in green energy.  

Wind turbines producing dangers like ice debris and sub sonic sound waves? Are you kidding me? Who ever heard of that?

              

Forget neighbourhoods and property owners ...the wind was here first 

               

Build them everywhere. We may all get sick but we’ll lead the world and save the planet!

   

But look at the energy produced. yes at a cost of $250,000 per home. do the math.  

But it will create jobs. sure it will …snow jobs. (industry and manufacturing depend on low cost energy.)

ONTARIO ENERGY COSTS

               

But it’s the Provincial Liberal Government’s pet project; it must be good.

  

But scientists are on our side. Why do advocates,  claiming this as the  gospel truth, always fail to admit that much of their data is fudged?

  

What would be the cost of harvesting human farts?

THE QUESTION:

Who is it that can bring cruelty and pain to a young child?

THE LEMON:

Awarded to Vladimir Putin for allowing sarin gas attacks in Syria.

THE QUOTE: 

"Baseball is like driving; it's the one who gets home safely that counts".-Tommy Lasorda

THE CLIP: