THE MESSAGE:
ENDEARING, ADORABLE, LOVABLE, SWEET, LOVELY, APPEALING, ENGAGING, DELIGHTFUL, DEAR.
THESE GUYS ARE COOL!
THESE GUYS ARE SUPER COOL!
THESE GUYS ARE SUPER COOL!
............AND LOTS OF FUN
SOME COOL ADULT STUFF? ...WELL MAYBE A TAD CORNY!
THE CONCERNED SPOUSE
A husband sends a Text Message to his wife:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture of the left leg. Amputation of the right foot is a possibility. Love you......
Wife's Response:
>Who the f--- is Paula ?
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture of the left leg. Amputation of the right foot is a possibility. Love you......
Wife's Response:
>Who the f--- is Paula ?
THE CLINTONS
FORGIVE THE PUNS!
· When I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
· When chemists die, they barium.
 |
| MICHAEL BYRON KENNEDY |
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
· Addicted to brake fluid? You can stop any time.
· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
· This LIKE girl said she LIKE recognized me from the LIKE vegetarian club, but LIKE I'd never met herbivore.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
·A dyslexic man walks into a bra......
· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
· I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.
· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
THE TRAIN RIDE
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
>>"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
>>"I have a better idea'… she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
>>"Wow!....That's a great idea!', he exclaimed excitedly."
>>'"Good,' she replied...'Get your own f***ing blanket."
>>"Wow!....That's a great idea!', he exclaimed excitedly."
>>'"Good,' she replied...'Get your own f***ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, ......he farted.
THE TRUDEAU GOVERNMENT OF CANADA
Employee Notice for Old People
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, so as to create jobs and reduce unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, so as to create jobs and reduce unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
THE ORIGINAL DEER HUNTER
I hunted for a buck all morning. I was hungry and a little tired so I sat down under a tree and opened my lunch. I must have dozed off because I can't remember eating my lunch.
MY FAVORITE ANIMAL
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said that wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth and I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened. He laughed and said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
 |
| YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! |
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GREEN AND GREY?
NOT MUCH IN CHINA AND INDIA
To Amazon and the curious folks who purchased Bernardo's piece of garbage.
THE QUOTE:
"CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT AND MADE THE RAT FAT."- TONY AT 10
THE CLIP:
No comments:
Post a Comment