THE MESSAGE:
FUNNY HEADLINES & STORIES THAT MAKE YOU SCRATCH.
HEAD SCRATCHING STORIES
TEACHER TOOK PISTOL TO SCHOOL INJURED AFTER GUN WENT OFF WHILE ON TOILET
A teacher who took a gun to primary school accidentally fired her weapon while on the toilet - leaving her with serious leg injuries.
Luckily, the bullet missed her body but then hit the toilet bowl smashing it into bits and ricocheting bullet fragments and pieces of porcelain into her thigh.
The incident occurred during the early morning at Westbrook Elementary, in Taylorsville, Utah, before any classes started and no pupils where present in the building. She was taken to hospital with a wound to her leg, where she was described as in a 'good condition' by that afternoon, according to the BBC.
Officials would not name the teacher, but said she was carrying the gun legally.
The district's police were stumped but they are investigating how the gun discharged.
("It probably occurred when I sat down." the teacher grunted.)
NIGERIAN POLICE ARREST GOAT
Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed said, "We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody."
WALMART ROLLBACK?
After stealing $600 worth of merchandise from Walmart, a Michigan woman made her getaway on one of the store’s motorized wheelchairs, according to cops who collared her two miles from the retailer. Shirley Mae Mason, 46, was arrested Monday night and charged with the theft of the $1200 electric cart and six bags stuffed with clothing. During questioning by police, Mason said that she decided to swipe the motorized cart after failing to secure a car ride from the store. Mason, according to a police report, said she just “didn’t feel like walking.”
(I ALWAYS WANTED TO RIDE IN ONE OF THOSE!)
WOMAN CHARGED WITH SEX ATTACK ON SLEEPING MAN
A Seattle woman, Chantae Gilman, 26, has been charged with raping a man who told cops he awoke in his bed to find his attacker sexually assaulting him while she had his hands pinned down.
The victim said that on the night of the attack he attended a birthday party for his neighbour whom Gilman knows. Once arriving home he fell asleep on his bed and slept very hard due to a long day.” (APPARENTLY HE WAS VERY HARD.) He claimed that he did not know how the rapist got access to his home.
At 2 AM, the man told cops, he awoke to find the 5’ 7”, 240-pound Gilman on top of him. The victim said that his erect penis was inside Gilman, who had the man's hands pinned down over his head. While Gilman ignored demands to get off him, the man said, he was “able to work his way out from underneath her. (AFTER AN HOUR OR SO), Gilman, he added, had “told him to be quiet.” The man subsequently succeeded in pushing Gilman from his home. Later that day, he went to the Harbourview Medical Center for a sexual assault examination. As a result, Gilman was charged with second-degree rape for assaulting a victim who was “incapable of consenting to sexual intercourse by reason of being physically helpless.” (APPARENTLY SOME PARTS OF HIM WERE NOT PHYSICALLY HELPLESS.)
VISITING THE WELL TOO OFTEN?
A Chinese medical student died of a heart attack while looking at a 'sexy magazine' in a sperm bank - on his fourth visit to the centre in just over a week. Zheng Gang, 23, was found dead in a private booth of a fertility clinic at Wuhan University after nurses noticed he was spending longer than usual producing his sample.
Two hours after he first entered the cubicle, medics broke in to find him lying unconscious on the floor. Despite frantic efforts to resuscitate him where he lay, doctors pronounced him dead at the scene. The tragic death - which happened in February 2012 - only came to light after the young man's family took the sperm bank, in Wuhan city, Hubei province, eastern China, to court saying that they were responsible for his death. But the court has now ruled that Zheng, who had started studying at the University to become a doctor in 2010, was entirely capable of making his own decisions about his life, including whether he wanted to take part in the sperm bank programme.
THE DEVIL YOU SAY!
An unsanctioned nude statue of the devil, sporting a gigantic erection, was removed by the City of Vancouver after complaints by residents of the inappropriately exposed and aroused genitalia of the Satan statue.
Police in Sarasota, Fla. say they took photos of a burglar as he slept inside a home he had broken into. They say he had a bag of stolen loot on the bed next to him. The Sarasota County Sheriff's office says a cleaning lady called deputies Monday morning when she found Dion Davis inside her client's Nokomis home. They showed up and started taking pictures of him in the bed and didn't wake up. They posted one of the photos on the department's official Facebook page. Davis now faces burglary charges. You snooze, you lose.MAKING A MONKEY OF SCIENCE
There’s a whole lot of drinking going on in the name of government science, and some watchdogs think it’s the American taxpayer who is getting hammered. Right now the National Institute of Health is spending $3.2 million to get monkeys to drink alcohol excessively in order to determine what effect it has long term on their body.
WHAT STINKS?
Body odor is among 52 criteria that officials at San Diego International Airport use to judge taxi drivers. Cabbies say that smacks of prejudice and discrimination. Anyone who flunks the smell test is told to change before picking up another customer.
Leaders of the United Taxi Workers of San Diego union say the litmus perpetuates a stereotype that predominantly foreign-born taxi drivers smell bad.
Drivers question how inspectors distinguish between them and their cars. The checklist has a separate item for a vehicle's "foul interior doors." "If they want to bring their smell detector, they can use it to test the customers", said driver Negus Gebrenarian, 39, from Ethiopia. He, like other drivers, said the stench is just as likely to come from the back seat as it is from the front.
San Diego's policy appears to be unusually explicit about sniffing out smelly cabbies. Chicago requires that drivers be "clean and neat in their appearance." New York City's wording is similarly broad.
Seattle long evaluated cabbies for body odour associated with infrequent bathing and not washing clothes but dropped that test last month for a more general requirement on cleanliness.
ANCIENT SWAMP CREATURE HAD LIPS LIKE MICK JAGGER
DURHAM, N.C. –- Sir Mick Jagger has a new animal named after him. Scientists have named an extinct swamp-dwelling creature that lived 19 million years ago in Africa after the Rolling Stones frontman, in honour of a trait they both share -- their supersized lips.
HANG ON HONEY! HOLY CRAP!
A car dangles from an unlikely perch after a skid in Los Angeles. It's the kind of maneuver you're more likely to expect of a skateboard: A car skidded up the concrete retaining wall after losing control and ended up precariously balanced on the top of an embankment on South La Brea Ave in Baldwin Hills, Los Angeles on Sunday. The driver and his passenger escaped injury. In skateboarding this is called a "grind."
(In real life this is called messing your pants)
MAN SLEEPWALKS OFF CLIFF AND SUFFERS ONLY MINOR INJURIES
Ryan Campbell, 27, was camping with his friends in the northern part of the Daniel Boone National Forest early last Thursday when he plummeted down a steep incline a few yards into his nighttime stroll. It took several hours for emergency crews to rescue him.
"He had facial trauma and a head laceration, but his mood was very good. He was responding to our instructions," said John May, with the Wolfe County search-and-rescue unit and one of the first responders to reach him. Campbell fell on a bush, which broke his fall and saved him from potentially more serious or fatal injuries.
OTTAWA CYBER-BULLY SAYS, "SORRY, I CROSSED THE LINE." YA THINK?
One day Robert James Campbell quit his job; went home and started plotting revenge against everyone he felt had wronged him in life. He says he didn’t leave his Ottawa apartment for seven months.
The online campaign of harassment and hatred he’s accused of launching spanned more than a decade. He is accused of creating fake online profiles to destroy reputations in short order, presenting his targets to the world as child predators, members of a Nazi party, exotic dancers and prostitutes. Police roused Campbell on the morning of July 31 and arrested him on 181 charges of criminal harassment, identity theft and defamatory libel. In what police called a cowardly and sophisticated online campaign, Campbell, 42, has been accused of terrorizing 38 victims in the United Kingdom, the United States and in Canada, 18 of whom are from Ottawa.
DON'T MESS WITH MY TOYS. HOW DO YOU SPELL LOSER?
A Nashville man was arrested for allegedly beating his girlfriend for pawning his Xbox to pay for his bail. In the emergency room at St. Thomas Hospital on Tuesday, the victim told police Charles Conover, 23, punched her in the nose, pulled her hair, grabbed her by the right arm, twisted it behind her back and swung her into a brick wall after she told him she had pawned his gaming console to bail him out of jail.
THE QUESTION:
What is a Soul?
THE QUOTE:
LAURELS TO:
Ms. Jane Elizabeth Kirby Clegg,
THE CLIP: A story worthy of listening
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