BLOG NUMBER 68; FEB 22,2013; PARENTS AND TEENS

TEENAGERS AND ADULTS .

Once a child hits adolescence, the brain, having mastered basic cognitive abilities, no longer grows in size. The adolescent years are a flurry of complex reorganization as the brain decides what’s needed, what’s unnecessary, and how to achieve maximal efficiency.

Becoming an adult is also a subjective experience and there is little doubt from recent research that individuals are taking longer to recognize themselves as adults. The age of first marriage and birth of a first child, often perceived by individuals as adult markers, are now occurring later than at any time in history. Also greater numbers of individuals are choosing life without either of these traditional markers. With increased numbers of individuals attending college and the tremendous rise in the cost of education and loans, young people are remaining dependent on parents financially far longer, often leaving them less likely to perceive themselves as adults.

1)  EXCERPTS FROM AN ARTICLE PREPARED BY KIM ABRAHAM FOR NPR 

If you're the parent of a teenager, this may sound familiar: "Leave me alone! Get out of my face!" Maybe you've had a door slammed on you. And maybe you feel like all of your interactions are arguments. Kim Abraham, a therapist in private practice in Michigan, specializes in helping teens and parents cope with anger. She also contributes regularly to the online newsletter 'Empowering Parents' Abraham says, for starters, don't take it personally.

Teens just can't explode at their teachers or with friends, but parents are safe. And safe harbors are crucial for teenagers during these years. For them, everything is different than it was in childhood. Academics are tough. Friends behave differently. Expectations are high. Their brains are changing and their hormones are raging.

According to Abraham, anxiety from all of these stresses often comes out as anger: "There's always another emotion that precedes anger, like hurt, disappointment, embarrassment." So, it's important, she says, to "help your kids learn how to uncover what that trigger feeling is. You can help them learn how to move through that feeling and then move into resolution."

Take late-night texting, for example, the root of many arguments for a father and his 14-year-old daughter, Maria (not her real name).  Maria feels it's important to stay socially connected with her friends even if that means texting late at night on a school day. Her dad thinks otherwise. 

Not long ago, an argument got so heated, dad felt he had to physically grab the phone from his daughter. He wasn't happy about doing it, but he felt he had no choice.  

According to Abraham, parents should try to resist getting physical with their teens by grabbing the phone or unplugging the Xbox, for example. Yelling back doesn't help, either, she says. "If you're getting in your child's face, that's a confrontation, and anger plus anger equals  Bigger Anger."

What you should do, says Abraham, is take a breath. Walk away. Let your child know there will be consequences later — and stick to them. Equally important, she adds: Always remember there's a reason for the anger. In the case of Maria's texting, she didn't want to disappoint her friends.

In the case of texting, the resolution was simply a 15-minute warning. Now, says Dad, "there's no more excuses, no more pushing boundaries — 9:30 p.m. is the time, and she's much better at it now."

The key in all these disputes, says Abraham, is not to argue with your teen about being angry. Help them understand why they're angry. "That's something parents can remind themselves about when they see their children struggling with these things. The teenagers are building problem-solving skills and coping skills" that they can rely on for a lifetime, she says. They're becoming stronger people.

2) TIME TO CHANGE AND ADAPT AS A PARENT

Your child has grown and the struggle to keep up is a big challenge. 

Teens are moodier now than when they were young. And you have new things to think about, like curfews, dating, driving, internet and friends who make you raise your eyebrows with their attitudes, adult-like airs and notion of boundless freedom.

They will test your skills, your rules, your limits, and your patience. But they're still your children in need of role models and guidance; they still need you!

The key is knowing what efforts are worthwhile; which ones will be effective and which ones backfire. Learn how to present the rules in a manner which is understood by them, does not rob them of their self respect and is eventually accepted by them.

        3)  'KidsHealth' MAGAZINE SAYS:

You've lived through 2 AM feedings, toddler temper tantrums, and the back-to-school blues. So why is the word "teenager" causing you so much anxiety?

When you consider that the teen years are a period of intense growth, not only physically but morally and intellectually, it's understandable that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many families.

Despite some adults' negative perceptions about teens, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what's fair and right. So, although it can be a period of conflict between parent and child, the teen years are also a time to help kids grow into the distinct individuals they will become.

Understanding the Teen Years

So when, exactly, does adolescence start? The message to send your kid is: Everybody's different. There are early bloomers, late arrivers, speedy developers, and slow-but-steady growers. In other words, there's a wide range of what's considered normal.

But it's important to make a (somewhat artificial) distinction between puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the development of adult sexual characteristics: breasts, menstrual periods, pubic hair, and facial hair. These are certainly the most visible signs of puberty and impending adulthood, but kids who are showing physical changes (between the ages of 8 and 14 or so) also can be going through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the outside. These are the changes of adolescence.

Many kids announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their parents. They're starting to separate from Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the same time, kids this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their peers, see them and are desperately trying to fit in. Their peers often become much more important, as compared with their parents, in terms of making decisions.

Kids often start "trying on" different looks and identities, and they become very aware of how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict with parents.

4)  THINGS TO CONSIDER

A) Talk to the Child Early Enough

Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already started means you're too late. Answer the early questions kids have about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from. But don't overload them with information — just answer their questions. If you don’t know the answers, help them find someone who does, like a trusted friend or your pediatrician.

You know your kids. You can hear when your child's starting to tell jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:

• Are you noticing any changes in your body?
• Are you having any strange feelings?
• Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?

A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A doctor can tell your preadolescent — and you — what to expect in the next few years. An exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good parent/child discussion. The later you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your child will be to form misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical and emotional changes.

Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen years. Give your child books on puberty written for kids going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put a child more at ease. Help your teen understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's OK to feel grown-up one moment and like a kid the next.

B) Pick Your Battles

If teenagers want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Teens want to shock their parents and it's a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things that really matter, like tobacco and alcohol, or permanent changes to their appearance.

Ask why your teen wants to dress or look a certain way and try to understand how your teen is feeling. You might also want to discuss how others might perceive them if they look different — help your teen understand how he or she might be viewed.

C) Inform Your Teen - and Stay Informed Yourself

The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use; discussing these things openly with kids before they're exposed to them increases the chance that they'll act responsibly when the time comes. Share your family values with your teen and talk about what you believe is right and wrong.

Know your child's friends — and know their friends' parents. Regular communication between parents can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all teens in a peer group. Parents can help each other keep track of the kids' activities without making the kids feel that they're being watched.

D) Know the Warning Signs

A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years, but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior may signal real trouble — the kind that needs professional help.

Watch for one or more of these warning signs:

• extreme weight gain or loss
• sleep problems
• rapid, drastic changes in personality
• sudden change in friends
• skipping school continually
• falling grades
• talk or even jokes about suicides
• signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
• run-ins with the law

Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your teen's behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing kid shouldn't suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your doctor or a local counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can help you find proper counselling.

E) Respect Kids' Privacy

Some parents, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their kids do is their business. But to help your teen become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade your child's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off.

In other words, your teenager's room, texts, e-mails, and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your teen to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where teens are going, when they'll be returning, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!

Start with trust. Let your teen know that you trust him or her. But, if the trust gets broken he or she may enjoy fewer freedoms until the trust is rebuilt.

F) Monitor What Kids See and Read

TV shows, magazines and books, the Internet — kids have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what they're learning from the media and who they may be communicating with online.

Teens shouldn't have unlimited access to TV or the Internet in private — these should be public activities. Access to technology should also be limited after certain hours (say 10 PM or so) to encourage adequate sleep. It's not unreasonable to have cell phones and computers off limits after a certain time.

G) Make Appropriate Rules and Set expectations and CONSEQUENCES

Bedtime for a teenager should be age appropriate, just as it was when your child was a baby. Teens still need about 8-9 hours of sleep. Reward your teen for being trustworthy. Does your child keep to a 10 PM curfew on weekends? Move it to 10:30 PM. And does a teen always have to go along on family outings? Encourage a reasonable amount of family time together.

Before purchasing a phone for your teen, consider asking your teen to sign a contract detailing your expectations regarding the use of the phone. Stress the importance of working together to establish the parameters. 

Don't be insulted when your growing child doesn't always want to be with you. Think back: You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.

As kids progress through the teen years, you'll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, they'll become independent, responsible, communicative young adults.

So remember the motto of many parents with teens: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it — together!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

“The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.” -Quentin Crisp 

LAURELS TO:

BRIAN & JEN MacDONALD of St Andrews N.S

Dedicated partners and strict but conscientious parents who spend much time with their 5 children making them a priority.

CLIP OF THE WEEK: