THE MESSAGE:

Someone has soiled the air!

Oh please!

THE BLURB:

Does the word 'fart' have as much impact as the action? It certainly appears that both of these utterances are equally offensive. Some people think nothing of expelling gas in front of others. Others look around after the fact to deflect attention towards someone else. Still others try to blame it on the family dog. The mere mention of the name can evoke looks of disgust from sensitive listeners.

A PROPER FART

In today's world, the action of farting is quite acceptable amongst males. It can be used to evoke disdain for a friend's comment, actions or failure to fulfill a promise. If human nature fails to accommodate, the sound can be replicated by placing a palm underneath a bare and pumping armpit.

In my world, farting is considered rude, offensive and taboo while in the presence of female companions. The preceding is particularly true whilst sharing a matrimonial bed. Of course fanning the sheets would exacerbate the offence.

FART AND FLEE

To fart silently in a room filled with mixed company, and then run away before the smell would be noticed by those present is a disgusting practice especially when perpetrated by a female. The apparent objective of her toot tactic was to omit herself as the suspected culprit, even while recognizing the effect on other females.

FART AND FLY

Airline hostesses have been known to bolt quickly to the front of the plane, food carts and all, when they encounter a zone of flatulence. The seat belt light is lit immediately and the movie screen is interrupted. The pilot makes a jiggling action with the control stick and announces they have entered an area of turbulence. The announcement has a distinct nasal twang which gives up the jig.

THE PUBLIC FART

These perps look around innocently when their malodious emission fills the air. They’re the ones who pretend they didn’t hear the noise coming from their effort.

Gassy humans flatulate up to 20 times a day, but the majority are polite enough to pass wind in bathrooms, or in the privacy of our homes but never in the matrimonial bed. Other 'gas stations' include empty stores or vacant sidewalks with no other nostrils around.

FARTING ETIQUETTE

Passing gas is a normal, healthy part of life. Our bodies are designed to do it and they need to do it. But it is more than polite to excuse yourself before farting in front of strangers. What is the proper etiquette if you’re out in public places and you sense some gas seeks to escape?

A FART IN A CAR IS GOING TOO FAR!

If you’re trapped in a car, opening a window will at least offer others a taste of the fresh outdoors.

FARTING AND HEALTH

It is quite unwise to avoid farting altogether. Letting gas build up can be painful and awkward. But apart from stomach discomfort, there are few serious health consequences to temporarily holding gas in.

But if you have a medical condition, or are sick, or are an infant who has yet to be potty-trained, it is probably ok to letting one rip publicly.

THE QUESTION:

What is a fart bag?

THE LEMON:

Awarded to Elizabeth May who Wouldn't Let Michelle Rempel's 'Fart' Comment Pass.

"I hate to interrupt my friend in her speech, but I heard her say a word that I know is distinctly unparliamentary, and I think she may want to withdraw it,"

May said a little later. "The word was f-a-r-t."

Rempel was incredulous.

"Is my colleague actually serious? I just gave an impassioned speech about supporting Alberta jobs, and that is what the leader of a political party stands and says?

THE QUOTE: