WHY I HATE FLYING; BLOG NUMBER 99; OCTOBER 4, 2013

GETTING TO AIRPORT IN TRAFFIC

On our last trip it took 1 hour and 20 minutes in stop and go traffic (mostly stop) to get to Pearson Airport from downtown Toronto. OUCH!

CAB DRIVER'S BREAKFAST

The taxi driver reeked of garlic. Rolling down the windows did not help much. 

The cab had an empty water bottle on the floor with a disgusting residue of dirty yellow liquid. Yes, I did wonder about that.

He talked on his cell phone in some language that I did not understand (except for the occasional f---word. My 4-year-old grandson smirked and giggled each time.

5 BUCKS COME ON!

We finally arrived at the airport and were presented with a 60 dollar cab charge. The driver was ticked at me because I only gave him a 5 dollar tip. I was tempted to say here's five; go but more f---ing garlic for lunch. I refrained, gagged a little and trundled into the terminal. I could still smell the garlic ten minutes later. 

Alternatively we could have driven to the airport and paid three hundred dollars for parking. Believe me; it would have been worth the expense!

NEXUS AND SECURITY

My wife, Ann Marie and I spent 2 hours one day signing up for NEXUS. This does not take into account the hassle to fill out more forms and wait for an appointment time. 

Nexus is supposed to allow quick passage through customs and security. After securing an appointment we had to wait 1 hour at the airport to be processed. The interview was quick and painless. The rules regarding entry to the USA were explained to us and we were told that if we violated any rules our cards would be confiscated. It was not necessary to fill out a declaration card. 

We were informed that we would have to wait 2 weeks to receive our pass cards by mail. 


CUSTOMS PROCESSING AT PEARSON AIRPORT

We followed the signs for Nexus passengers.  Our garlic riddled bodies bypassed, somewhat smugly, the long customs line up with our hard-earned Nexus cards in hand. My daughter-in-law and grandson had to use a different line. We were faced with 2 U.S. customs officers. One told us we were all set but the other said, "Oh where's your declaration card?" You guessed it we had to fill one out. 

THE SECURITY HASSLE
On arriving at security, I noticed that daughter-in-law was already being processed through security.-- Hmmmm.  Ann Marie and I proceeded to the Nexus station. We showed our passes and were escorted into a line that was as long as the three other lines. There were people in our line that were not Nexus Pass Card holders. There was a stunned lady controlling the lineups and she took it upon herself to balance the lines. This effectively defeated the stated benefit of being a NEXUS member.  It took us a half hour to get through security.  So much for NEXUS! 

I curse the shoe bomber  with silent fury as an official orders me to remove my sandals. This is after I have carefully removed my computer and I-pad, presented my limited liquids in a clear plastic bag, emptied my pockets, removed my jacket and shown my boarding pass for the 4th time. 

EARLY ARRIVAL? SERIOUSLY?

A traveller is asked to be at the terminal gate 

1 hour before scheduled takeoff. We thought we had allowed ample time. Leaving downtown Toronto at 9AM for a 12 Noon flight to Boston would even allow us time to have breakfast at the airport. By the time we scrambled to the gate, hungry, most of the passengers had already boarded the plane. Daughter-in-law was the only passenger in the waiting area, one hand on hip the other on grandson's arm. She was tapping her foot impatiently. She was worried that we would miss the flight. Hmmmmm.

NEXT CAME THE OVERHEAD BINS

Being the last to board the plane we found little or no storage space in the dreaded overhead bins. Now we were forced to stow our carry-ons under the seat in front. Comfortable we were not! People glared at us for holding up the flight.-- Hmmmmm. The f word came to mind once again. 

THE ON-PLAIN 'BLOWER'

"Ladies and Gentlemen....blah blah blah...."

followed by "Mesdammes et Messieurs.....et patati et patata et patati et patata (FRENCH FOR BLAH BLAH)..."

"Place the seatbelt around your neck and kill yourself...er I mean.... (who doesn't know how to put on, adjust and remove a seatbelt. People who are that stunned deserve to die or at least get hurt!)

 "Et patati et patata..."

"If a mask drops down....blah blah

"Et patati et patata......."

Next they show a video, which repeats every previous demo and instruction, en deux languages. In your seat pocket is a pamphlet outlining the safety features.....More blah blah.... et patati et patata....

"In preparation for takeoff make sure your seat is in the upright position....blah blah....

"Et patati et patata....

(If your going to crash and die shouldn't you get as comfy as possible?)

"Make sure all electronic devices are turned off.....blah blah.."

"Et Patati et patata...."

Your safety is our number one priority...blah..patati

Once again I am forced to quell the urge to remove my seat belt, lay my seat back and release a torrent of cuss words. Ann Marie grabs my arm and gives me a look, stifling any such moves.

MY SHORT CUT FOR THE BLOWER

• "Put on your seat belt.""If there are people aboard who have never flown, or ridden in a car or do not understand English, please go to the front of the plane, get off and catch the next flight."
• "When you can't breathe, grab the yellow thing."
• "Turn off your damn phone and devices!" 
• "If you need to relieve yourself; hold it until we are airborne. 
• "No smoking on the plane."......CASE CLOSED!
• "Don't worry about a life vest. If we crash over water, drowning will be the least of your worries"
• "If we crash, don't worry about where the exits are. Find the nearest hole and jump. If the fall doesn't kill you douse the flames by rolling on the ground." 

If I wanted to know how high we are flying, the pilots name or that of his grandma, the weather in Boston, the bumpiness of the ride or the time of arrival I would ask one of the hostesses whose number one priority is my safety and comfort. Otherwise shut the hell up! Ann Marie won't let go of my arm.

THE ARRIVAL

"Please wait until the aircraft comes to a stop...blah blah.."

"Et patati et patata..."

SERIOUSLY?  LET ME OFF NOW! MY EARS ARE KILLING ME!

What would be wrong with having planes with rear exits?

WELCOME TO BOSTON. IF YOU WERE WATCHING A MOVIE, WE ARE SORRY YOU CAN'T SEE THE ENDING, BECAUSE WE HAD TO MAKE ALL THOSE IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS.....blah blah...
"Putain de merde"

LUGGAGE RETRIEVAL AND CAR RENTAL

Fuggetaboudit. By now I am totally devoid of any impulses whatsoever. Ann Marie leads (drags) me off the plane and up the interminable ramps to the Logan terminal. We pick up our bags, 30 minutes later, and proceed to the bus stop for the trip to the car rental posts. Ours is always the last to arrive. Twenty minutes later we are standing in line waiting for our pre-booked car. Finally we are on the road and arrive at our destination after an 8 hour ordeal.

WE COULD HAVE DRIVEN DOOR TO DOOR TO OUR DESTINATION IN 9 HOURS!

QUESTION: Is security at airports really necessary for all passengers?

QUOTE: “The cool thing about being famous is traveling.  I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.” -- Britney Spears
.
LEMONS TO: 

RIGHT WING TORONTO LIBERAL COUNCILLORS AND NIMBYS WHO VOTE AGAINST ANY PROPOSAL TO MAKE TORONTO A MORE MODERN AND PROGRESSIVE CITY







CLIP:
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE