Tony At 10: GRIEF; BLOG # 2187; FRI MAY 10,2019

THE MESSAGE:

I have never understood the exclamation ‘Good grief’. It probably originated with some British politician, upset about his party’s predicament. I truly believe there is nothing that is good about grief.

We lost our beautiful daughter, Stefanie, on March 10, 2010. She died of Septic shock in the Turks and Caicos at the age of 37 years.

New cereal
from Kellogg’s?

I am very fortunate to have a large family that helped me and my wife through this time of grief. Then I was struck by another sudden blow. My wife was diagnosed with cancer and after much unsuccessful treatment she passed away on Sept 24, 2018.

Along with my family there are some close and dear friends. Recently my friends, Marj and Peter, reached out to me and shared some of their knowledge and experience with grief and bereavement. Their words of solace and empathy inspired me to write this blog on the subject.

It is obvious that transitions in my life such as retirement and losing a spouse have led to loneliness and an overwhelming feeling of guilt. In my research I discovered that loneliness is linked to a number of mental and physical health woes, such as psychological distress, depression, high blood pressure, stroke, impaired immune function, dementia, and even early death.

Peter emailed that he had recently attended a presentation that compared grief to the concept of ocean waves. At times they roll in with regular and predictable outcomes.

But there are times when waves strike with the force of a tsunami. The presentation further suggested that grief did not have to be an always-present factor in a person's loss. It was okay to experience times when the grief was not present. The presenter further suggested that at times, the grief could strike suddenly, like an isolated thundercloud, even in the midst of a clear and otherwise peaceful day.

Marj revealed that she has learned a lot about grief through her volunteering with Hospice Kingston's bereavement program over the last 6 years. Further Marj added that she has had her own personal experiences with loss through death.

Her experiences reinforce that the symptoms of grief invade every aspect of our lives -- emotional, cognitive, behavioural, physical, spiritual, relationships etc.

"Guilt fits in everywhere!! I have supported dozens of people on their grief journey, and only two that I can remember did not feel guilt of some sort." Marj goes on to say that guilt is a perfectly normal part of grieving.

It is usually (not always) accompanied by anger aimed at someone in particular, a doctor, an advisor, God. or even life in general. -- Life isn't fair.

Thank you Marj and Peter!

CREATING THE FOLLOWING HAS HELPED MY HEALING

THE BLURB:

THE REALITY OF GRIEVING

Grief is the normal internal feeling one experiences in reaction to a loss, while bereavement is the state of experiencing that loss.

SOME SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF:

Sadness, sorrow, unhappiness, dejection, regret, depression, misery, cheerlessness, downheartedness, despondency, despair, desolation, wretchedness, glumness, gloom, gloominess, heaviness of heart, dolefulness, melancholy, low spirits, mournfulness, woe, broken-heartedness, heartache, grief.

THE KÜBLER-ROSS MODEL

Perhaps the most well-known model for understanding grief was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, in her 1969 book titled On Death and Dying. The five stages of the grief cycle that she outlined are:

DENIAL, the bereaved having difficulty believing what has happened.
ANGER, the survivor questioning the fairness of the loss.
BARGAINING, wishing to make a deal with fate to gain more time with the one who was or will be lost,
DEPRESSION, the period when the bereaved person gets in touch with how very sad they are about losing their loved one.
ACCEPTANCE. the feeling of some resolution to their grief and more ability to go on with their own life.

OTHERS SUBMIT THAT THERE ACTUALLY ARE 7 STAGES OF GRIEF.

These are presented with some recommendations for each stage.

1. SHOCK AND DISBELIEF

This is a natural and common reaction in order to avoid pain or being overwhelmed. Especially if it was sudden or unexpected. After some time, it starts to set in that a loved one is gone, causing other emotions and feelings to arise. There is no set time for how long this will take. The important thing to remember is to give yourself time.

2. DENIAL

This refers to how you express your emotions and feelings. Some people deny that their loved one has actually died. Some people deny they are having a difficult time or are deeply affected by the loss. It can take quite a long time until you feel ready to move forward. The feelings of denial can stem from a lack of understanding. Find connections in our lives that can often put things into some sort of order.

3. GUILT

Guilt can happen if one has regrets about things unsaid or something they wished they did for someone who is gone. It stems from a desire to go back in time and do some things over again.This can lead to thinking it is your fault. We are trying to make sense of something that is difficult to process. Life can feel pretty scary and chaotic during this time. In feeling this way, and not 'letting go’ you put a lot of pressure on yourself emotionally. A grief coach may be helpful here to put it different perspectives.

4. DISBELIEF AND BARGAINING

With a loss, feelings of disbelief can turn into frustration and anger. Thoughts of ‘why is this happening to me’ are quite common. It is also normal to feel anger towards yourself for not being able to change the situation or anger at the person for causing it. Another part of this is bargaining. Bargaining for the loss and trying to find ways to turn the situation around are common. Bargaining with the powers that be can help our feelings of anger. Ask yourself ‘What is making me angry and what can I do about it?’ Permanent damage to current relationships is possible. A grief recovery coach can give one a safe place to uncover and explore the anger.

5. DEPRESSION, LONELINESS, REFLECTION

At this stage, you might be feeling more able to accept the loss but are unable to cope with it. Feelings of wanting to be alone, complete isolation, and being overwhelmed are normal. It is a time for reflection, going back and thinking of the past. In some ways, this is the first sign of acceptance. You are opening yourself up to the situation, whatever it is.It is a natural stage of grief so don’t let yourself be talked out of it by well-meaning outsiders. Their inclination to make you feel better right away is well-intentioned, however going through these feelings help you move towards peace. Being active can help a lot! Sign up for that dance class you have always wanted. Ride a bike or go for hikes. Ask a friend to go for coffee. Aiming for a goal and getting out of the house can help you see life from a more optimistic place.

6. RECONSTRUCTION AND WORKING THROUGH

As time goes on and you are able to be more functional, your mind will start to work a bit more like it did. This doesn’t mean the feelings of sadness, anger, depression, guilt, or anything else will necessarily be completely gone. However, you can now start to look at everything with a clearer view. You will start to sort out how to begin to live a normal life again.

7. ACCEPTANCE

The final stage is acceptance and coping with your loss. You will never get over the feeling of loss; however, you can start to feel good again.Life might never be the same, but it will go on. You can still find peace and happiness. It is a time of coming to reality with a complicated process.

THE QUESTION:

How will I know when I'm done grieving?

Every person who experiences a death or other loss must complete a four-step grieving process:
Accept the loss.
Work through and feel the physical and emotional pain of grief.
Adjust to living in a world without the person or item lost.
Move on with life. The grieving process is over only when a person completes the four steps.