SHORT AND SWEET

1. My wife was screaming at me:   "Leave!!  Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

2. Father Flaherty meets Mrs. Donovan and asks: “ Did I not Marry ye last year? Any wee ones yet?”

Mrs. Donovan: “Sadly not as yet Father”

FF: “I’m going to Rome next month & I’ll light a fertility candle fer ye”

Some years later they meet again

FF: “Top ‘o the morning to ye Mrs. Donovan. Any wee ones yet?”

Mrs. Donovan: “Oh yes Father 2 sets of twin lads and 6 lovely wee lasses, 10 in all”

FF: “Lovely thing, and how’s yer lovin’ hoosband doin’?”

MD: “Oh Father e’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!”

3. An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

4. I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, manicured the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD!"

5. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-old students. After explaining the “Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother” commandment, she asked the class, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

From the back of the room, one little boy answered, “Yes. Thou shalt not kill.”

The children were lined up for lunch in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. After watching them for a while, the supervising nun wrote a sign and posted it on the apple tray:

“Take only ONE. God is watching!”

The children kept moving further along through the line, where at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the children looked at the cookies and then wrote a sign that read: “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

6. AFTERNOON SEX

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon ‘QICKIE’ with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company,"

"Matt is riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,

"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

7. PARENTS ON CHILDREN

• WE CHILDPROOFED OUR HOME BUT THEY ARE STILL GETTING IN
• KIDS SELDOM MISQUOTE YOU. IN FACT THEY USUALL REPEAT WORD FOR WORD WHAT YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID
• YOU SHOULD BE NICE TO YOUR KIDS. ONE DAY THEY WILL CHOOSE YOUR NURSING HOME

8. An old man was asked, "At your ripe old age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s.  Better to spill half an ounce of Scotch than to forget where you keep the bottle!"