TONY TELLS A TALE

Allow me to introduce the Dorkmann Family:

·    Brothers, Dawson (actor), Davey (weatherman), Dachmed (pilot) & Denny (igloo builder)

·    Sisters: Delores (nun-retired), Donia (reporter), Darlene (short order cook) and Dildette (hooker)

·    Mother: Doreen (writer-philosopher, deceased-brain dead)

·    Father: Didas, (sheet maker)

·    Uncle: Dick (brother of Didas, Union Leader)

·    Aunt: Doris (married to Dick, Scientist)

·    Cousin: Doofus (son of Dick and Doris, still in high school at age 42)

The Toronto Press reports, July 15,2012:

The Dorkmann family is retiring from the city and moving to Northern Greenland to become ‘Scientists’. Uncle Dick Dorkmann was heard to say: “ It’s time to quit the Union and give the world the benefit of my scientific understanding of the climate.” Father Didas Dorkmann chimed in “ No more plain sheet it’s time for some real sheet.”

The Dorkmanns have little experience with Green House Gasses and Carbon Footprint; however, as Dawson put it, “what’s to know? I can play any role.” Meanwhile Doris, piped up “It’s pretty simple, I done gradgiated with a degree in science and majored in predicting stuff.”

Dorkmanns Depart Toronto Moon and Mail, July 20,2012

Dachmed, Denny, Donia and Darlene Dorkmann left yesterday for the base camp in the family Beaver. The land for the camp, located in Greenland, was purchased by the McGuinty Liberals and turned over to the Dorkmanns along with 1500 wind turbines to run the camp generator, a 2 year supply of vittles, propane and t-shirts. The Russian Aeroflot will transport the supplies & turbines with the remaining clan members to the camp next week. They have promised to issue their first ‘scientific climate study’ by the end of July this year.

Dorkmann Report

COURTESY OF DONIA DORKMANN OF THE TORONTO POST AND HAMMER; July 29,2012

DAY 1,July 22, 2012--- WE ARE COMFORTABLY SETTLED IN OUR IGLOOS BUILT BY DENNY DORKMANN, IGLOO BUILDER.  THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL BUT OUR IGLOO FIRES ARE SO DELIGHTFUL.  I INTERVIEWED AUNT DORIS TODAY AND SHE REPORTS THAT THE ICE IN GREENLAND IS MELTING; PARTICULARLY AROUND THE CEILINGS IN OUR IGLOOS. SHE REMARKED: “IT MUST BE THAT ‘GLOBAL WARMING STUFF’ WE STUDIED IN SCIENCE SCHOOL.”

DAY 2, July 23, 2012----COUSIN DUFUS DISCOVERED SEVERAL FOOTPRINTS LEADING FROM THE IGLOO COMPOUND TO THE MCGUINTY MODEL OUTHOUSE (Dufus calls it the crapper). AUNT DORIS SAID WE COULDN’T USE THE CRAPPER ANYMORE UNTIL SHE CHECKED OUT THE FOOTPRINTS FOR CARBON TRACES. SURE ENOUGH DORIS FOUND SOME BLACK STUFF (cigarette ash) IN ONE OF THE PRINTS. “IT MUST BE A CARBON FOOTPRINT. WE STUDIED THAT IN SCIENCE SCHOOL. THERE MUST BE A HOMO SAPIEN AROUND WHAT LEFT THIS PRINT. KEEP AN EYE OUT!”

DAY 3,July 24, 2012---DAWSON AND DAVEY ATE CANNED BEANS FOR 3 DAYS AND CONSTANTLY FARTED IN 3 OF THE IGLOOS THAT WERE PAINTED GREEN. YOU GUESSED IT. AUNT DORIS PRONOUNCED, “IT’S THEM THERE GREEN HOUSE GAS EMISSIONS. WE LEARNT IT IN SCIENCE SCHOOL. THOSE CLIMATE GUYS WERE RIGHT!”

DAY 4,July 25, 2012--- DIDAS DECLARES “PACK UP THE VITTLES. THERE’S STRANGERS ABOUT. WE’RE GOING BACK. DACHMED FIRE UP THE BEAVER”. DILDETTE ASKED: “A MAN? WHERE HE AT?”  DELORES KNEALT TO PRAY (OUT OF HABIT):”PLEASE, LORD SOUND THE ALARM. THE GLOBE IS WARMING; THERE IS A CARBON FOOTPRINT FROM A MAN AND THOSE DREADED GREEN HOUSE GASSES ARE FILLING THE AIR. ALSO THOSE, EXCUSE ME LORD, GODDAM MCGUINTY WINDMILLS DON’T GIVE OFF ENOUGH ENERGY TO WARM MY LITTLE KITTY.”

DAY 5,July 26, 2012

THE FOLLOWING HEADLINE APPEARED in the British Alarm, the American Journal of Extremism, the Canadian Whine Press, the French Concession, the German Geezette, the South African Story, the Russian Revealer the Indian Sikher, the Libyan Leaderless, the Arab Allover, the Israeli Attack, the Al Qaeda Brainwash, the North China Sees & other world papers:

“GREENLAND SCIENTISTS UNCOVER PROOF OF MAN’S CONTRIBUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING!”