TONY AT TEN BLOG 7, THEME: SARCASM IN HIGH PLACES

And now here is some topical sarcasm (with a little help from my friends).  

On Drivers and driving habits:

Moronic Ontario Drivers
by Peter Peart, Kingston ON 

People like to fit in, to feel that they belong. So if you happen to be visiting the beautiful province of Ontario here are a few driving tips that will make you appear to be a resident.

1. Do not use your turn indicator. It’s darn hard work and your unannounced moves will keep other drivers on their toes.   
2. When turning left and faced with a green light but some oncoming traffic, be sure to stay well behind the white line. Do not proceed to the middle of the intersection as this may allow another driver to complete his left turn when the light finally changes.   
3. Do text while driving. It’s important to let the person you’re texting know that you’ll be there in four minutes. And again your lack of driving focus will keep those other pesky drivers sharp.   
4. When turning left be sure to pull into the far right lane immediately. Frequently those drivers who are in that lane need to be cut off so as to prevent their speeding. And remember wide sweeping turns use more of the road for which Ontarians helped to pay.
5.  After you have completed a turn or a lane change switch on your turn signal. It’s important that other drivers be aware of what you have just done.   
6. If you are in a line-up at a stoplight stay back at least three or four car lengths from the car in front, especially if there is a designated left turn lane ahead. This will prevent anyone using an advanced left turn light and thus reduce the chance of an accident during a dangerous driving maneuver.   
7. Focus on your conversation with your passenger. Personal relationships are important and you probably don’t even know the driver behind you.    
8. Tailgate. This will keep traffic flowing and, again, will keep the driver in front on her toes.   
9. If there has been a snowfall, do not clear your back window. You will not be aware of traffic patterns, but hey, snow is a good insulator and will help keep your car toasty.  
10. Most importantly, if driving on a four-lane highway, get into the left lane and drive at (or slower than) the posted speed limit. Stay in this lane. If people wish to pass, let them do so on your right. It’s the Ontario way!  

Editor’s Note: We could all be better drivers if we recognize that others have the right to use the roads as well. Let’s be more aware of our road mates and the result will be more responsible drivers and less road rage.  

On Liberal leanings 


To All My Left-wing and Liberal Friends
Courtesy of J. Fiorini 

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the summer/winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Canada and the United States great nations. Not to imply that these two countries are necessarily greater than any other country in the world. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the individual receiving the wish.  

On The Philosophy of Ambiguity 

Let’s be Clear
Courtesy of P. Baker, Toronto  

• DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.  

• I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.  

• IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?  

• WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?  

• IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?  

• CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?  

• IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?  

• HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?  

• ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. 

On wind energy 

What are they thinking? 
Courtesy of P. Kirby and K. Hunter, Guelph ON.

• Damn the costs we need windmill power to be a world leader in green energy.  

• Ice debris and sub sonic sound waves from wind turbines? Are you kidding me? Who ever heard of that?  

• Forget neighborhoods and property owners ...the wind was here first

• Build them everywhere. We will all get sick but we’ll lead the world and save the planet!
    
• But look at the energy produced. Yes at a cost of $250,000 per home. Do the math.  
• But it will create jobs. Sure it will …snow jobs. (Industry and manufacturing depend on low cost energy.)
• But it’s the Provincial Government’s pet project; it must be good.
   
• But 500,000 ordinary Ontarians can’t tell us “green gods” (with our hooded and corrupt lawyers and politicians) what to do!
  
• But scientists are on our side. (Why do advocates claiming this as gospel always fail to identify or name these so-called experts?)
   
  
• Better not fart!